In retrospect, I had a stronghold in my mind and believed that if God wanted me well then he would just “poof” make me well. Therefore, I continued to be ill and depressed, all the while believing I was waiting on God to come to me and heal me.
My idea of faith was that God could heal me, and even wanted to heal me but would do so in His own time. In the back of my mind, I believed I was being taught some type of lesson to purge me of sin. I was convinced that this purging would eventually come to an end, and I would be holy and healed.
This cycle of sickness, depression, anxiety, and physical pain continued even through giving birth to two beautiful, healthy daughters. For most of that time, because of my ignorance to the truth in God’s Word, the enemy of my soul was able to pummel me into submitting to his lies. One of those lies was that I was convinced that I was nothing more than a second-class citizen of Heaven who lacked the faith to receive my healing.
When I heard preaching or teaching on healing, the ravenous birds of the evil realm would come and steal the seed that God desired to be sown in my heart. (Luke 8) Deep down, I believed there was hope, but wondered if I would exist this way for the rest of my life. I continued to do all the things I believed were right to gain my healing. “There is a way which seemeth right unto a man, but the end thereof are the ways of death.” Proverbs 14:12
I did have one tool of spiritual warfare of which I was not ignorant. I was a worshiper. I poured my heart into worship. I sincerely sought God with my whole heart, mind and strength. In the same manner as when I started college, I began to pursue my relationship with God just like I pursued my career in the music profession.
Worshiping God did cause my spiritual eyes, at times, to have a peek into the heart of the Father. This act of worship was the very key to giving me the strength and hope I needed for this very long season, until I could understand how to receive healing by faith in the finished work of Christ. I am grateful for my spiritual mentors encouraging me to “Enter His gates with thanksgiving and His courts with praise.” (Psalm 100:4)
I was passionate for God! I cried out to Him day and night and believed someday I would get my healing that I had read about in my Bible. But, the Word of God does not say that we perish for a lack of passion, or a lack of love, or a lack of worship, does it? It says in Hosea 4: 6, “My people are destroyed for a lack of knowledge.” I was lacking knowledge and an understanding of the truth in God’s Word that would set me free.
